Dying Slowly

So yeah, I feel like I'm dying. I stay up till like 2am or longer every night and that is suppose to be like "normal." But I feel really tired. I think that if I didn't have Acadeca I wouldn't stay up so late and I would get better grades. It really is sucking the life out of me. I have to stay after school everyday and when I get home I have to do way more homework.

Yeah I know a lot of people have 3 AP classes too, but I want to maintain As in my AP classes. Right now I am not doing so well in Calculus. I really want to bring it up, at least to a solid B this semester and a solid A next semester. AP US I don't get much time to read the chapters nowadays. AP English, I haven't even started on my 300 page book report that is like due in 5 days. It's okay though, I've read the book before. I just need to pick out quotes and comment on them.

This morning, I woke up and I was really tired and sad. I didn't finish review chapter 17-19 for my unit test for AP US today. =( The first thing I told my mommy was that I felt like dropping Acadeca. I know deep down inside I don't want to but then I'm super sad that my other grades are falling too. T_T She started to tell me not to give up and everything. Then I started crying. =( My first time crying over not doing as well as I want to in school.

People tell me I am crazy to cry over a one C and 2 Bs in my report card, but they don't get it. I work so hard and I get those grades?! It really pisses a person off. It makes them want to work harder. I want to work harder but I don't have the time to work harder.

I have to stay after school everyday and I barely have time to study for my SAT that I will be taking this Saturday. It's really depressing.

I'm not a genius.
Just an average person.
I work super hard.
But I don't have the brains some people have.
I don't have the ability to memorize like some people.
A lot of people don't even try and they get things really easily.
I have to put in like...
tonnes of work just to get what they get. =(
I feel really stupid sometimes,
Like I'm not cut out for school.

The only reason I don't want to do horrible, is because I don't want to be like when I was in elementary and ignore my school work completely. It was like nothing to me. Some people still don't believe that I was an F student. I don't believe that I'm an A student right now. But I slap myself and I realize it is real.

Man, I like Acadeca a lot, but when I look at my grades, it just breaks me. I feel the determination in me to do better and reach for my goal. But I don't have the time to do it. I ask myself how I am going to make the time. I already sacrifice hours and hours of sleep. My Saturdays are all-day homework days. My Sundays are church in the morning and the rest of the day is homework time.

My legs skins have a sickly pale color. It's not even funny. I can't even play sports or just go out for a jog. I miss going out and just sitting in the sun. I don't even eat with my family during dinner. I sleep or do homework instead of eat with them.

What now Waverly? What are you going to do?